Thursday, January 13, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
2011: Here we come
Last year my first journal entry of the new year went like this: "Happy New Year! Today is no only the first day in a new year, but the first this decade. I can officially say I am ready to move on and see what the future holds. After months of drama it seems like life may be able to move on and be on my own terms. I am making commitments to myself that are exciting. As for New Year's Resolutions here are mine:
1. Make Logan and Ben my top priority
2. Spend my money wisely.
3. Work as hard as I can"
On January 1st of last year, I took my wedding ring off. I would like to say this was done with some ceremony, but it was done more as a I am not going to wear you gesture...and I just never wore it again. Even though at that point Micheal and I had been separated over a month, I still felt the need to wear my ring. By taking it off it was like I was saying, "I am finally in control." Now what was I going to do with it? 2010 was not the year I had planned from that first journal entry. But it was a year that I feel like I can look back on and say, "I was happy in some parts, I laughed a lot, I cried a lot, and most importantly...I found me. Someone I needed to be reintroduced to desperately." I am hoping that 2011 will continue my progress in that direction...I know only time will tell.
1. Make Logan and Ben my top priority
2. Spend my money wisely.
3. Work as hard as I can"
On January 1st of last year, I took my wedding ring off. I would like to say this was done with some ceremony, but it was done more as a I am not going to wear you gesture...and I just never wore it again. Even though at that point Micheal and I had been separated over a month, I still felt the need to wear my ring. By taking it off it was like I was saying, "I am finally in control." Now what was I going to do with it? 2010 was not the year I had planned from that first journal entry. But it was a year that I feel like I can look back on and say, "I was happy in some parts, I laughed a lot, I cried a lot, and most importantly...I found me. Someone I needed to be reintroduced to desperately." I am hoping that 2011 will continue my progress in that direction...I know only time will tell.
First Meltdown in the New Year
This morning was when I had planned on releasing my bubbly year in review for 2010 and my hopes and dreams for 2011, but instead I sit here at my computer this morning filled with frustration and tears. I hate Autism or PDD-NOS or whatever label you want to use today. There, I said it. I hate it. It turns my son into the worse version of himself. I don't understand how his body and mind can be fine one day and the next so completely betray him to the point that he can't even manage the simple task for putting a boot on his foot or he stars at the sink in his bathroom like it is a foreign object, because to his mind it is. I want to scream at him and say, "I want my son back! Go away you stupid disorder. Stop making him this way. Bring back my Logan. You can't have him." But I know that screaming only makes the sensory side stand up and get more frustrated and the eye contact which was great yesterday, recede even more. I feel powerless. I am powerless.
How can I be strong when there is no strength to rely on? How do you schedule meltdowns? You can't. In the five years since Logan was diagnosed that has become more and more clear. I guess I should be happy that my bad days are fewer and farther between then my good days, but I just want to scream and cry and curse this horrible disorder. It isn't fair to anyone. After an hour of frustration, he made it to school today fully dressed in his quiet way he gets after one of his meltdowns. I have to say a million times, "I love you Logan." He finally nods and saunters out of my car. So for today I will try to change back into the best version of myself...but for right now...I'm just the mom that cracked...and got frustrated...and cried a little. I'll try to do better tomorrow.
How can I be strong when there is no strength to rely on? How do you schedule meltdowns? You can't. In the five years since Logan was diagnosed that has become more and more clear. I guess I should be happy that my bad days are fewer and farther between then my good days, but I just want to scream and cry and curse this horrible disorder. It isn't fair to anyone. After an hour of frustration, he made it to school today fully dressed in his quiet way he gets after one of his meltdowns. I have to say a million times, "I love you Logan." He finally nods and saunters out of my car. So for today I will try to change back into the best version of myself...but for right now...I'm just the mom that cracked...and got frustrated...and cried a little. I'll try to do better tomorrow.
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